I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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