the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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