I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
