Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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