My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
