What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
