remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
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