I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
