Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
