Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
