cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
