i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
