3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
