I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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