So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
