They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
