you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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