oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
