I think my vagina is haunted
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
