saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
