if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
