At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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