Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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