what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
