I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
