I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
