he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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