My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
