Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
