I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently you make a good broom.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
