Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
