you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
