I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
