Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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