i permit you to call me
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
