My cat gives me a boner
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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