You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
