I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
