the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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