oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
