I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
