Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
