i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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