bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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