he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
