He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
