This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
