non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
