If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
