Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Randomize
