Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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