i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.