Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.