I want to stick my p in your. b.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.