Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
