His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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