She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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