I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
