Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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