do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Randomize
