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after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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