This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
