I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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