Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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