I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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